I remember a time several years ago when my mother, sister and I really wanted to bless someone who had done us a wonderful service. We were excited to give them a gift—not a large gift but something simple just to say thank you. When it came to us handing it to this person, in their own way they gave the impression that they did not appreciate receiving a gift for what they had done. We came away feeling less than wonderful after having given this person the gift only to be met with such an unexplainable reaction.
I often hear talk about the need for giving and the need to give with a cheerful heart, but not so often do I hear about the need to receive with gratitude what someone desires to give you. I can’t help but wonder why this is.
I often feel the need to let the other person know that they ‘should not have given me this’ after receiving something. Is it because I am prideful and unwittingly do not like to be placed so low as to need to receive a gift from someone? Is it simply that I am embarrassed that they want to give up their hard-earned possessions and hand them over to me? Is it that I do not want to be selfish by accepting a possession? Or is it because it then lessens the value of what I had done originally for this person?
When it comes to giving, I need to remember that when I give someone something, I would like to see that they appreciate it and are thankful for it. Not for praise for myself, but because I want them to enjoy the fruits of their work. I want to see that I can do something for them, that I can bless them; it gives me joy, and gives our Lord joy.
But what if someone wants to bless me? That means that if I would like someone to receive my gifts cheerfully and thankfully then I must likewise be thankful for whatever they give to me. I would then be doing to others as I would like them to do to me, or, as Jesus puts it, ‘loving your neighbour as yourself’.1 If Jesus really wants us to give then we also need to be willing to receive, otherwise no one could give because no one will receive.
From another angle, I really like a portion from C. S. Lewis’ book The Screwtape Letters. It is a book about a senior demon coaching a younger demon how to torment his Christian patient. This particular analogy shows how we as human beings can desire to compete as to who can be the most unselfish, therein defeating the purpose of unselfishness.
The Generous Conflict Illusion. This game is best played with more than two players.
Something quite trivial, like having tea in the garden, is proposed. One member takes care to make it quite clear (though not in so many words) that he would rather not but is, of course, prepared to do so out of ‘Unselfishness’. The others instantly withdraw their proposal, ostensibly through their ‘Unselfishness’. But he is not going to be done out of his debauch of ‘Unselfishness’ either. He insists on doing ‘what the others want’. They insist on doing what he wants. Passions are roused. Soon someone is saying “Very well then, I won’t have any tea at all!”, and a real quarrel ensues with bitter resentment on both sides.
You see how it is done? If each side had been frankly contending for its own real wish, they would all have kept within the bounds of reason and courtesy.2
This analogy carries many truths about us, such as our desire to be the least selfish. Refusing to receive someone else’s gift simply because I want to be unselfish can actually end up being a selfish act in itself. I need to humble myself and focus on blessing the giver.
I do find it sad that there is often a level of superficialness to how others and I respond to people. I need to learn to let someone else have their chance to experience joy and freedom in being unselfish by being able to receive with humility and thankfulness.
- Matthew 22:9, NLT
- C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters (1942)
- Go Clean Your Room by Daniel Tattersall
- The Art of Thankfulness by Kristy Drake
- You Don’t Have To Live This Way by Kristy Drake
- Q&A: Why Are the Gospels so Inconsistent? by Daniel Tattersall
