It’s rather strange saying goodbye to a stranger. But that is just one of the many surreal moments that come when you lose a baby through miscarriage. Those that have been there, along with the family and friends that surround them, often aren’t quite sure just what they’re supposed to feel or think.
After we had our first baby boy, I went through the painful experience of losing my brother. Soon after that I discovered that we were expecting our second child, and the fact that it was due around the anniversary of my brother’s death made that pregnancy even more special—a life to celebrate and bring joy after going through such a grieving time.
I was rather shocked then, when I miscarried. It was a sad experience (and rather scary going under general anesthetic at the hospital). I kept a little box with mementos in it: the positive pregnancy stick, my maternity booklet and sympathy cards . . . And life moved on.
I was amazed through this experience to discover how many others around me had also experienced miscarriages; many family members and friends shared with me about their losses. Some had found it sad; others had been seriously grief stricken by their loss, especially those who had dreams and hopes shattered after previously struggling with infertility.
A few years later we had another beautiful baby boy added to our family. Not feeling that our family was quite complete, we were happy to find I was pregnant again. The pregnancy seemed to go along fine, and once I was past the ‘safe’ pregnancy stage I began to relax. You can then imagine our shock when at eighteen and a half weeks pregnant no heartbeat could be found during our maternity check up. An ultrasound soon revealed a perfectly formed image of a baby with no beating heart. Although I tried, I could not hold back the sobs.
I assumed that I would be put under general anesthetic and wake up afterwards and go home. Symon left the hospital to collect my things from home, and although I felt all alone, I knew God was with me. It turned out to be such a turbulent day. Because of the stage of the pregnancy, I was told I would have to deliver it naturally. Nothing can prepare you for facing labour without a happy ending. The labour was painful, but while it was happening, all I could think of was the innumerable amazing women who have had to give birth to stillborn children a lot further along than ours. My heart went out to each and every one of them.
After the encouragement of my amazing hubby and midwife, we chose to hold and look at this tiny baby we never got to officially meet. Its little nose looked just like our eldest boy’s nose. It had teeny-tiny toes and fingers. A few weeks later we sprinkled our baby’s ashes where my brother’s ashes were also sprinkled. The next few weeks felt like a bit of a daze. I did cry and feel depressed at times. I knew God would turn this situation into something beautiful, so I held onto that promise. I knew that one day we would get to meet these precious little people.
We could literally feel the peace of God surrounding us.
I share my story to encourage those that have been through the loss of a child. I have learned that there is always hope in every dark situation you endure (including struggling relationships, pain or suffering, depression, loneliness). Keep holding on. Look up to God who can bring peace and hope in the midst of the most devastating of circumstances.
Chris Pringle, the author of Jesse Found in Heaven, encourages all women who have been through the loss of a baby to write about them as part of the healing process. This is what I have done, and encourage you to do, too.
“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
—John 14:27, NLT
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- Until They’re Finished by Stephen Garton
- The Art of Thankfulness by Kristy Drake
