The wild wind is whipping the trees into a frenzy outside my window, mirroring my emotional state. It’s been a little bit stormy lately.
There has been thunder roaring out of nowhere: “I told you to stop it; now leave me alone!” Lightning flashes of remorse: “I’m so sorry; mummy doesn’t want to be angry and shout-y.” And tears like rain. Pouring down at the littlest things. I growl, I cry. I clean, I cry. I cook, I cry.
Not much fun for anyone within a hundred metres of me, that’s for sure. The stormclouds overhead have been building for weeks. Strange physical things are happening. My head threatens to burst open when everyday things pile up too high. It hurts. Like a band of steel around my brain. I clasp my hands over my forehead, I retreat to my room and shut the door; then I sit in the corner and cry. Don’t follow me in!
The doctor has no answers yet. Tests will be done. Is it just the Old Black Dog. Or something more sinister? Last night a little girl dared to enter the cave while the storm was raging. “Out!” shouted the dragon. Shoulders slumping, she retreated. The dragon wept big hot tears of shame, and went to find the little girl, who emerged from her room holding out a picture with precious words inscribed in her beginner’s hand: “I LOVE WU MUM bCS WU MC me Lf MUm” (I love you mum because you make me laugh.”
Oh those little moments of grace. Gifts from heaven. The storm rages, the thunder rolls, but there are places I can hide from the storm. There is a shelter, a coat, a pair of strong arms. Moments of grace where I sense Heaven putting hands on tense shoulders. Bearing up my fearful heart.
I go to school in the storm. Right in front of the gates is a car park just for me—a small miracle at 8:35 am. Thank you, heaven. I go to the gym in the rain. Please, heaven, would you find me another car park? I turn the corner and there are two, nice and close, in the otherwise full place. Warmth fills my heart. I enter the portals, pull out hubby’s MP3 player and select my favourite ‘God songs’. This is my first time remembering to bring the MP3 player and I think to myself, this is good. I can walk and sing in my heart. I walk. And sing in my heart.
Then the doors to the gym burst open and a gaggle of schoolgirls bursts in, giggling. “Oh-oh, a school trip to the gym, today?” They flood noisily past us on our treadmills and continue up the stairs to the exercycles, looking down on our bubby-bellies and wobble-butts. I don’t care. I keep walking. The ruckus upstairs penetrates my earphones. “Hey look, I lost one calorie!” one schoolgirl calls out repeatedly for all to hear. I turn my music up louder. “Thank you, heaven, that I had the MP3 with me today, of all days. Thank you that hubby came back especially to bring it in from the car for me.”
I focus on the song:
A thousand times I’ve failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I’m caught in your graceEverlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame1
I can get through this. I don’t know where the storm is coming from. But I know there is shelter for me. Shelter in songs. Shelter in grace. Shelter in knowing that heaven cares about the little things. Shelter in knowing that my children love me, even when I’m dragon-ish. Shelter in the big strong arms of my husband who helps to lift off the burdens and loves me in spite of my scales and fire breathing tendencies.
Storm, you cannot last forever. I have Shelter. I am safe. You can’t beat me. I will outlast you.
- Lyrics from the song “From the Inside Out”, written by Joel Houston.
- Walking With A Limp by Simone Graham
- The Ones We Never Knew by Kristy Drake
- Until They’re Finished by Stephen Garton
- Even the Sparrows by Stephen Garton
- Putting God Back Into Prayer by Kathryn McBeath
- Man[kind]‘s Best Friend by Stephen Garton
